You think I do not see you, sitting there in the shadows, waiting. I have seen you for so long you are almost part of me. I can't remember a time I have NOT seen you sitting there in the shadows. Watching, waiting. Waiting for that one clue that today I will give you what you want, or I am so weak I won't say no. That my defenses are down and you can just walk right in and take what you want. You think I would be used to you by now, your darkness, your shadowy face, smiling a smile that never quite reaches your eyes. You think I don't hear you calling? Then you are mad. I try to ignore you, to drive you away, but you seem to be stuck to me like glue. I am old and have seen many things, but the sight of you still makes my heart speed up a little; until you decide to fade into the shadows again. On those times you ride me hard, it's so difficult to still say no, to keep my head up and don't show that you affect me the way you do. To not allow you to see any little chink in my armor. You think you'd get tired of the dance by now. To move on to greener pastures as they say. But you don't, you seem to enjoy my torment. You promise things that are so tempting to me, but i can never allow you close. it would be so detrimental to me. Your soft touch is so amazingly difficult to resist, and yet I do. You think that makes me strong don't you? No, that only makes me a coward, that i don't face you and tell you off. I tried facing you once, and almost lost myself along the way, so i run. I try to hide from my true nature, a darkness, a desire I have burried deep. Sometimes I run so hard I tire myself out and fall asleep. Then in my dreams you haunt me, like some specter from the deep. What you offer is dangerous, too dangerous a game to be played. You offer promises of pleasure, but i see only death when I look your way. I have seen you following me, calling out to me for so long, i wonder if you stopped would I miss you. At those times I hide my head and pretend the world is made of sugar and spice and everything nice. To give in to you would not be good, it would be so bad that I would implode. Sure, you offer pleasure, but give only pain in the end. Who would actually fall for that? You are almost a part of me, a part that I never want to visit. So I keep telling you no, and you keep trying and you think we would get tired of dancing together, yet here we are, dancing again in the meadows of forbidden lusts. Dancing to a haunting refrain, that only you can play. And while we dance, I pretend the world is right and the melody we dance to is complete, but it is not, and we are not and never will be. So when the dance is over I pull away from you and place my hand on my throat at the horror of it all and run. I see you laugh and shake your head and smile that smile that never reaches your eyes. And as I run off into the distance I see you, following me, laughing as if you know i can't run much longer. You think I do not see you, sitting there, in the shadows, waiting........
After dreaming last night it got me to thinking as those type of dreams often do, about the death angel, then I got to looking at pictures of what people suppose he/she/it looks like and it hit me, the pictures have feeling in them, death has no feeling. He/she/it is neither good nor bad, he/she/it just IS. For the purposes of this blog we will say it when refering to the death angel.
It is not romantic, it is not a protector, it shows no sympathy with the target, it has one job to do and it does it very well. It takes souls on their way to their final destinations. It does not care from the highest in the land to the lowest in the land, it takes them all equal with no feeling about it whatsoever. If you were ever to ask it why it does it, does it even care about or spare a thought for the one's it goes after and I am positive it would reply "No, it is my job and I do it. I do not care one way or the other, I have a job to do". It would probably just give you a neutral look with no expression at all and say nothing.
Death is neutral, as much as we would love to associate feelings with it, either good or bad, it is neutral and cares not who you are or what you did in life. Death is not cold and calculating as we would love to beleive. When your time comes, it will come for you and take you just as passively as it has kings and presidents and world leaders. It is the one's left behind that associate feelings with death. As much as we would love to hate death, it is just doing it's job. Nothing more.
We as humans would love to hate death; but there is no reason for it, it has just come and did it's job, it took a soul nothing more. it does not care if it was your mother it just took, or your father, son, daughter, grandchild, husband, wife, grandparents, lover. All the pictures I found of death, and even the one I was going to draw myself, associated FEELINGS with death when there is none. So I decided not to draw it and just write instead.
Death is not the enemy, he is not a friend, neither friend nor foe. DEATH........JUST.......IS...........
Look my beloved, I am slowly locking the door......
Today is Jan. 2nd 2016 and the first official day of the new year. I dreamed of you last night and I hate you for it. I hate you because you brought back old feelings and memories, I hate you becau… Source: In dreams of you
Today is Jan. 2nd 2016 and the first official day of the new year. I dreamed of you last night and I hate you for it. I hate you because you brought back old feelings and memories, I hate you because of your life choices, and I hate you because you made me cry. I hate that in my dreams you were there with me, I hate that you still smelled of old spice, I hate the way your eyes twinkled when you looked at me, I hate the deep timbre of your voice, and I hate that smile that always made me happy. I hate that I did not want to wake, that I wanted to stay with you there in that dreamworld. I hate you because I woke up and had to feel again.
I hate you because now i have to lock that door again, I hate you for opening it. I hate you because you have not come to me in my dreams in such a long time. I hate you for choosing now to come to me, and I hate you because I still care. I hate you for the sadness I feel now and will feel until I can lock the door again.
You had your mom trick me because you knew, if I knew it was you, I would never come. And that I would always try to do as she asked; out of respect for her. How do I know you had your mom get me there? Because you looked at her after you saw me and thanked her. Because you know the door is locked up tight, it has to be or the "What if's" would drive me insane.
But you effectively unlocked the door didn't you? I hate the anticipation I felt in my dreams just as you walked in, and i hate the butterfly wings that took flight in my stomach just as your lips brushed my forehead. I hate the tears in my eyes as I write how much I hate you. I hate you for making me feel again. And feelings are SO over-rated, especially where you are concerned, I can't afford feelings, the price is too damn high.
So now it will take me a few days to lock the door again; but this time I will seal it up tight, with unbreakable things, so it can never be opened again. I can't pull you from where ever you are, that door is sealed against light. so why come torment me with memories of what will never be? I remember the day you left like it was yesterday, I still cry, it was raining like hell outside, It was night and your car lost control on the highway.
The feeling was horrid when I found out, like there would never be light again. I locked you up then, so i could never feel again. You visited me often in my dreams and I enjoyed your visits, they seemed to comfort me. Now, they torment me with things that can never be. Then I had to lock the door against you, as it was too painful to remember, but you found a way around that last night. Never again my love, never again.
For a brief moment in time as I woke , I wondered where you were, as you have not called me in such a long time, then I remembered, and I hate you for the remembering.
I loved you once so dearly, I love you still so much. I has been so long since I saw you. I crave your smile. It has been so long since I heard your deep laughter or felt your tender touch. It is amazing to think that I lost you, for a pastor's wife's stupid advice. If I could go back in time, I'd find you. I'd never let you go. I have longed for you since High school, I almost had you once or twice. To think we never made love, in all the years I have known you, makes the void even deeper still, the craving for your touch, painful. Do you still think of me? Do you even remember my name? Cus each night on my bed, I think of you, and almost go insane. To be honest, I want you, I have always wanted you so. Want is such an insipid word, for what I feel for you. In High school, I was oh so shy, but I noticed you all the time, you made me feel so nervous, a virgin for the slaughter if you will. To feel you deep inside me, is a longing I just can't take. I don't think this craving for you, will ever go away. It's a longing only you can fill, with your smile, your touch and your time. I let you slip through my fingers, like water I could not hold. How stupid I was back then. When you smile, or laugh, the world is a better place. it's sad to think I will never know, the tenderness of your touch, the warmth of your smile or the carress of your hand. I caught up with you again, a few years ago. To bad we are both, in other relationships, I pray you are happy. And to be honest I am a little jealous, she's getting something I wanted, want still. And I look at him and think, "DAMN HE ISN'T YOU". There is nothing I can do, save lay here and think. Even then my brain betrays me, it won't let me sleep. So I lay here and think of you, and almost go insane. To be honest I loved you dearly, I love you still so much.